|
|
|
galleries
Contact
Donations Through Amazon
Blogroll Me!
Noah's Wish
ASPCA
There are people on the net that have nothing better to do with their time
then be nasty to other people online. They post rude comments, spend hours
a day talking about sites they hate so much, that they well, spend hours a
day talking about them. (lame) They mock the owners and posters for their
opinions and their right to free speech. They expect everyone to fit into
their narrow-minded little world view or else they throw a temper tantrum.
To these people I say grow up.
Here's a bit of info people...the web is
a HUGE place. If you don't like what I say here, or who I am, or what I
do, or talk about, or what I look like, or the color of my hair, or
whatever asinine thing you dwell on, go somewhere else. It's
really, really easy. Honest. You just click the little "x" in
the corner of your browser and *poof* the offending, big, mean and nasty
site has disappeared.
I pay for this site. It's mine. That
means I can use it for whatever the hell I want to. Don't like it if I'm
bitching about something in my life? Oh fucking well. Go somewhere else.
Think I'm stupid for expressing my thoughts? Too fucking bad, don't read
them. Somewhere along the line, someone forgot this simple fact: Live
and let live Don't like me, cool, fine, whatever, I don't care.
This journal is NOT for you. It's for me. I'm not in it for popularity or
fame or anything stupid like that. I write it because I need to write and
express myself and get things out of my head sometimes. So read or don't,
it doesn't matter, but don't waste my time (or yours) bitching about it.
*gets off soapbox*
|
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Coming to Terms
Let's see...I ended up talking to Love on Tuesday night. All about my fears and my sense of failure and the knowledge that 33 hours a week is about 13 more hours a week then I wanted. The acceptance that there's trying and then there's a fool's errand. And I was reminded all over again how much I love my Love. He was so supportive and understanding. He appreciates the fact that I'm even willing to try. That I'm ready to find something I can do and that if it takes some trial and error to get the right situation for me, then that's perfectly ok. He also encouraged me to do more with my jewelry and crafts. He said we should try to do some shows. "Why not?" he said. If nothing comes of it, then nothing comes of it, but we won't know unless we try. He said he's proud of me and even though it's never a lot of money, just the money I bring in from my sales is always helpful and always at the exact right moment. (Which it is. It's eerie how often we could use a couple bucks to get us through the week or whatever and *poof* out of nowhere is an order of just the right amount.) All-in-all, he hugged me, consoled me and made me feel a million times better. He wants me to be happy. And he wants me to be as healthy as possible. And that does not include pushing myself to an unrealistic expectation. He also told me to take the day yesterday (Wednesday) and relax. De-stress. Give myself some "me" time and catch up on some rest and give my stomach a day to settle down a bit. So I called in. I'd been running a pressure headache anyway, so I didn't mind the time. I also got my order done and did some housework - another thing I generally keep up on but hasn't been getting done with us both working all day. So I'm back in this morning. I'll play the rest of the week out and go from there. If they want me back in next week, I'll probably do it because I can use the cash, but even on the very unlikely chance they did offer me the job on a perm basis, I think I'll have to decline. But that's ok. Because somewhere there is something that's right for me. And there is something that will be what I need it to be. I was so busy feeling desperate and pathetic and hopeless that I think I tried too hard to make this that "something right." It's close, don't get me wrong, it's close, but... ultimately I need to respect the boundries and be firm to what I know is my limitation. I realize now I let myself get bullied into caving; I let myself say I'd be what they needed when deep-down, I ignored what I needed. They knew from day one of temping almost two years ago that I was looking for part-time only. I was so desperate to please that I backed down from what shouldn't have even been in question. I'm feeling better for the crying and the talking. And I feel like I have a more firm handle on the bigger picture. It's not any easier by a long shot, but...at least I know I have Love's support behind me and the time and space needed to find the right situation in front of me. Who knows? Maybe Love's right. Maybe I need to focus more on my creative skills. Maybe I need to stop looking at it like some hobby anyone can do and have more self-respect for my work. Put more effort into new items, new techniques, new pieces and see where it goes. Either way, today is a better day. And I'm happy for it. I appreciate all my friend's supports, warm thoughts, positive energy and shoulders. I'm sure I'll call on you guys again in the future, but I think getting it out helped me come to a little better of a place for the moment. It's not perfect and there's still a lot of things that are going to be challenges but I guess it just makes a lot of difference to know that you're not alone in it and that you have support. And that trying but not succeeding is not the same thing as failing.
~ sweet smelling daffodils :: miss m ::
at 4/13/2006 10:55:00 AM ~
~
|
|||||||||
