given eyes to see (the ever changing status of m)

2010-04-26T12:41:00.005-04:00

NEW BLOG LOCATION
I started this journal in January of 2001 and for the past nine years have used Blogger to update and publish my blog. Sadly, this is no more. Google bought Blogger a few years ago and has now decided to stop supporting FTP updates. They want me to put my blog on their servers, out of my control, despite the fact I own for and pay for a domain of my own and much rather keep things under my control, thankyouverymuch.

So, it is with a sad heart I must bring this particular blog to an end.

NO WORRIES THOUGH! THE BLOG CONTINUES!

I've installed and configured a brand new blog. It now uses Wordpress software in order to update it. It's still under my control and on my domain like I require. But there's a very slight URL change.

The new location is:
http://www.giveneyestosee.com/blog

It's already up, live and running. This old location will stick around for archive and posterity, but will NO LONGER BE UPDATED.

Please update your bookmarks, favorites and links to the new URL.

This will be my last entry here on this location and will thus remain for anyone finding this blog in the future to know where I went.

It's tough to say goodbye to an old friend but I hope you'll all love the new look, style and functionality of my new Wordpress blog just as much as this one's probably grown on you here.

Thanks for nine exciting, frustrating, informative, soul-searching, and all-around interesting years. See you on the other side!

Friday

2010-04-23T09:42:00.001-04:00

Friday

It�s a trilogy of fun this morning: my head hurts, my stomach hurts and I didn�t sleep worth a damn. I really needed another half hour or so to address the stomach issues but I was already 10 minutes late, so I didn�t really have MORE time to deal with it. I�m not sure how I�m going to make the entire day though.

�

And last night, my subconscious decided it would be loads of fun to give me nightmares. All night long, dreams about people I love dying and me being left alone. Awesome. That sort of shit scares me already, normally as it is. I would lose my apartment and have no place to go with no money whatsoever if something happened. Even more so now that Rand�s gone because he at least had a house with a guest bedroom. But if something happened to Love�I�d have no place to go.

�

I am so not ready to face the day today. I so don�t want to be here. (Which is why I�m stalling and writing up an entry instead of making my calls.) I�m so on the edge of tears right now, it�s absurd. Even typing this, I can�t think about it too much or I�m going to cry. Today feels like one of those real, �I�m going to totally break down� days. These tenuous threads I�m clinging to are so frayed they can�t hold anymore.

�

Anyway, what else is new? I�m broken. I�m damaged. I�m exhausted. And I don�t want to face the world. Broken record these days.

Posted via email from memoryanddream's posterous

Birthday Info

2010-04-22T18:11:00.001-04:00

Birthday Info
Because everyone keeps telling me I'm not allowed to be sad about my birthday (even though I am) and that I deserve to have a nice birthday despite still being pretty heavy in grief, anxiety and panic right now, here's the pertinent info. Do with it or not as you will.

Date
May 16th

Turning
33

Address:
M. Turner
PO BOX 1484
Eflers, FL 34680
USA

Amazon wishlist
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/wishlist/397IKAEGOJ51E/

Crafty, Handmade Items Wishlist
http://www.wists.com/PhoenixFireDesigns

Some items on there are totally absurd (cell phone, countertop kiln, PS3) and some are less (books, dvds, etc.) I tend to use it half as a practical wishlist and half as a pipedream list. The crafty wishlist has items I've wisted that are mostly handmade (like hand knit socks, or sewn items, etc.) I do a lot of crafty swaps and such and really enjoy handmade goodies as well, hence the separate list for it.

My birthday is just really making me sad this year because I don't really have� a lot of friends in person and so it feels lame and stupid thinking about my birthday and it's tough having lost such a close friend.

Whatever. I don't know. The whole thing is stupid this year anyway.

Posted via email from memoryanddream's posterous

Better

2010-04-21T20:10:00.001-04:00

Thankfully I woke up this morning feeling better. Most of the pain and pressure in my forehead had gone away. It had felt like I had a golfball lodged there and the pain was relentless. Nothig helped. Yesterday it was probably about an 8 on a scale of 1-10 and today more like a 3 or 4. So big improvement. My nose is a little sniffly but I think that's a good thing since that's the crap coming out. I was even able to sleep pretty well last night. Still worn out a little but overall feeling better.

I'm glad it was better today because it seemed like nothing was helping yesterday and I was getting worried about how I was going to afford a dr appointment to get antibiotics.

So back to work tomorrow. I didn't go today because Wednesday is my day off. It will be weird going back as it always is when you're off and have been sick but it should be ok.

Thanks for the suggestions. I think it definetly helped. Anyway just wanted to give a quick update. Watching Playoff hockey right now so I'm going to get back to that.

25 days til my birthday. Still bummed about it more then anything. : ( oh well don't want to get all sad about that right now.

Ta.

Sent from my iPod

Posted via email from memoryanddream's posterous

Untitled

2010-04-20T07:03:00.001-04:00

I'm pretty sure I have a sinus infection. I've never had one before so Sunday when I started having pain in my forehead above my right eyebrow I just thought I was maybe a low-grade migraine in a slightly different place then normal. Pain on my right side for migraines is very common for me, though it's normally in the temple or behind the eye.

Sunday, Monday and now today it's still there and last night I didn't sleep at all. The pain was much worse all night and I have been alternating between roasting and freezing and just sweating all night. I am normally very cool temperature wise so for me to be sweating means a fever.

Google confirms my symptoms pretty much exactly as sinisitus or, acute sinus infection. Stress, seasonal allergens and other factors can be a cause. Pollen has been brutal for a couple weeks now and well I think stress is a given.

Of course with no health insurance I don't have access to get an antibiotic and won't have cash for a walk-in until at least Friday when we get paid. I am going to try the home care advice I found and just hope it will be enough.

Anyone with any tips or experience with sinus infections, I'd love to get your feedback on what might help. This is new to me so I'm open to suggestions.

Sucks being sick and this pain my my forehead is miserable. With the no sleeping and fever I also had to call into work. I am heading back to bed now but ugh...not sure how much luck I'm going to have sleeping seeing as it didn't work at all last night but I have got to try. I feel like I've been run over by a bus.

Any suggestions appreciated. Thanks.

Sent from my iPod

Posted via email from memoryanddream's posterous

2010-04-17T19:00:00.001-04:00

Horse
Originally uploaded by PhoenixFireDesigns

There is a horse tied up to a streetlamp in the parking lot of the supermarket. This is not something you see often around here!

This message was sent using picture-talk messaging service from MetroPCS.

T-30 Days

2010-04-16T18:38:00.003-04:00

T-30 Days

Normally, today, being one month until my birthday would be a day
where I get silly and post links to my amazon wishlist and excitedly
remind people about my upcoming celebration, give out my post office
box addy, etc....this year though? I just find I'm not terribly
excited. I don't really care. I'm still too emotional, upset,
grieving, panicked and otherwise disengaged to want to celebrate
anything. Not to mention, it will mark the first "holiday" of sorts
since Rand passed. It will be a big, obvious empty place in my
birthday without my best friend there.

So it's 30 days until my birthday and I really wish it just was
already over. I don't care about the number this time around, I just
don't want to face trying to be happy and failing.

Posted via email from memoryanddream's posterous

T-30 Days

2010-04-16T18:38:00.001-04:00

T-30 Days

So it's 30 days until my birthday and I really wish it just was
already over. I don't care about the number this time around, I just
don't want to face trying to be happy and failing.

Posted via email from memoryanddream's posterous

2010-04-15T08:36:00.000-04:00

New Glasses!
Lookie who FINALLY after 2 months got her new glasses last night!

(Plus you can see my sorta-new haircut as well.)

Off to work!

2010-04-13T18:50:00.001-04:00

Weekend Recap
In which our Heroine goes to Disney and finds a pearl (while her Hero gets ill); yet again fails to get any meaningful sleep and thus misses another day of work; talks to her boss about the future of said job - and other harrowing adventures!

Saturday April 10th Love's brother, Love and I were supposed to go to WDW. It was the first weekend after of our Spring Break blackout period and with life being as it's been, we all needed a day away. Sadly, Love's brother wound up having to work, so it was just the two of us. We got off to a late start as both of us were tired and having some grumbly tummies, but we got on the road around 11am.

Love drove the first 40 minutes or so but was really tired and felt like he was nodding off. So we found an exit with food and pulled off. Love got an Arby's sandwich and I took over driving the rest of the way. This was perhaps not the best idea as we'll see later.

So we finally arrive at Epcot first around 12:30pm. We wander around the countries a bit, I have a pastry in France and we make our way to Japan. They have this thing called, "Pick a Pearl" where you get to pick the oyster and they open it with a whole ceremony and everything. Love always says I should do it but I say, "no" or "next time" because while it looks fun, I never want to spend the money. Well, this time, he made me do it to cheer me up.

I guess these are called "Akoya" pearls and are regarded as the finest cultured pearls in the world. The average is 6.5mm. Mine? A giant 8mm! They were very excited and all said mine was the largest find of the day. It's very lovely. We picked out a sterling silver cherry blossom setting and they set it for me right there in about 20 minutes. It's only $17 (tax included) for the Pick A Pearl in Japan and the settings range from about $20 on up. So it was a small splurge but it was so much fun and I am so in love with my beautiful pearl - and proud of having the largest of the day! - that Love was right; it was worth it.

Now of course, I want to do it again but if I got a little dinky pearl, it'd be a disappointment after getting such an awesome one my first time out!

After that fun, I took some pics of the butterfly garden. Always a favorite of mine during the Flower and Garden Festival.

Lots of monarchs this time, but man it makes me long for a camera with a much longer zoom lens! 3x zoom makes it hard to get in close enough to the butterflies without them flittering away.

After that, we went over to Magic Kingdom. By this time, however, Love wasn't feeling so well. In fact, he lost the probably poor-choice Arby's sandwich while I was taking butterfly photos. We got to MK and I was hungry so I got us late lunch/early dinner (it was about 4:30pm) and then Love had to call it a day. He got sick once more before the drive home. Boo. So the day started off fun but sadly, didn't end quite as well.

Sunday, April 11th - Love was still ill from the day before so we just ran a few errands and called it a day. He didn't even go down to his parents for the weekly Sunday morning breakfast.

Monday, April 12th - I didn't sleep worth a damn and by the time Love was leaving for work (around 6:30am), I knew it was going to be another one of the "unable to face the day" days. Ever since this crazy anxiety/panic attacks thing started, some days I just literally can't function. I feel like I'm drowning and there's nothing I can do about it. We're trying to find someone who I can talk to that will work on a sliding scale or something but so far, no luck. And I certainly don't have $150/hr. So I had to call into work again and pretty much spent the day sleeping.

Tuesday, April 13th - First off, today is 1 month since Rand passed. Which made it even more fun then normal. I laid there this morning, looking at the clock around 7:30am, thinking about a month ago we were getting the call at that exact same time. It's weird because in some ways, it feels like so long ago, and in others, it feels like it just happened.

So anyway, got up and went into work today as best I could. And I'm about an hour and a half into my day (so it's around 10:30am) when my boss Erik comes over and asks me to come talk with him. Of course, I'm positive this is it; I'm getting canned. I've missed a lot of days the past month because of not sleeping, migraines, panic attacks, etc. and I know it's just really bad.

Turns out, he was just worried about me. I broke down crying - because I'm stupid like that and I can't help but cry when I talk about these things - and told him about the anxiety/panic attacks, the lack of sleeping, etc. Instead of being angry, he was really understanding. He told me I can take as much time as I needed and if I ever needed to go home early, that was fine too. He really hopes I can get to talk to someone and was really nice about it all. Said these things take a long time to get over and I'm doing a great job and don't worry because I'm not going to lose my job. (I confessed, as a blubbering idiot I was so worried about losing my job because I was being such a flake but I'm not normally like this and I'm so sorry about being such a flake and I've never dealt with panic and anxiety before and it's making me a mess and did I mention I was sorry...?)

So that's one huge relief.

My co-worker and trainer, Janet talked to me after my talk with Erik and she reassured me too that I was awesome, my emotions being all over the place are totally normal, that I wasn't going anywhere and they are still all glad to have me.

Whew.

I've really been stressing that on top of everything else since I really didn't want to lose the job but being so stressed out and panicking and not sleeping and such means some days I just literally can't function like a normal human being. At least I know I can take a day (or more, Erik even said I can take as much time as I need and to focus on myself and getting better first and foremost) when I need it.

So...yeah. That's the last few days. Oh, for those keeping track I still do NOT have my new glasses yet. Yes, I ordered them February 19th and have received four incorrect/flawed/unwearable pairs thus far, made six trips over there and my next replacement pair "is on rush order" since March 15th. Yeah, color me pissed. Did I mention the crack in my right lens is now about an inch long? I am SO going to be asking for my money back on the pair when they finally get around to making them correct. This is beyond absurd.

Alright, time to make dinner. Started this like an hour and a half ago so probably should do something else productive now. Just haven't really had time to write up entries and this probably should have been divided up into a few, but...there you have it.

Tomorrow I'm off so that's good and we'll see how the rest of the week plays out.

Ta for now.

2010-04-10T17:37:00.000-04:00

Well today was a bit of a do-over. Poor Love has been ill all day and we're heading home. Shame as its cool out right now. Text msg from M

Posted via email from memoryanddream's posterous

2010-04-10T12:31:00.000-04:00

Late start today and Love's brother couldnt make it but Love and i are now at epcot. Pic posts sadly not working. Ttfn! Text msg from M

Posted via email from memoryanddream's posterous

2010-04-09T09:33:00.001-04:00

It's finally Friday. Of course yesterday all day I kept hoping it was
my last day of the week but life doesn't wrap up as neatly as what we
wish it would be. Made I in both yesterday and today which feels like
climbing mount Everest. This morning it's all dark, gloomy and raining
which makes it the kind of day you don't want to get out of bed.
(Granted I almost never want to get up out of bed theses days but
rainy mornings are even worse.)

I didn't sleep the night before last so last night I took a little
Benedryl to help me sleep more. It helped but I'm still really tired
and worn out.

Talked to so many clients on the phone at work yesterday my throat is
actually a litttlr sore today. Part of he reason I'm stalling this
morning and writing this entry is because I don't really feel up to
more chatting.

We were suposed to have a meeting this morning and I was looking
forward to wasting an hour but someone called in and now we're short
so I don't think it will happen.

Tomorrow, Love, his brother and I are going to hit Disney. We can all
use a mental health getaway day. It's sadly supposed to still be busy
with Spring Break kids but it's been a month or so since we've been
and I'm looking forward to it anyway.

Blah. Ok I guess I should stop stalling and start calling. Can't
believe how slow my day is going so far and how many more hours are
left but....guess that's life.

Out for now.

Sent from my iPod

2010-04-05T09:38:00.001-04:00

Monday morning. Stomach giving me problems. 15minutes late getting in
here and really, I needed longer but I didn't have it. I just am
really over being here. It's so dill and boring and corporate and I
dread everyday I have to show up. I should be working right now but
I'm stalling because I just don't want to be here. At all. Not even a
little. Not one tiny shred. I just want to go home and stop doing
this. I really just hate my job.

I'm so sad and overwhelmed and it feels like hours of Hell ahead of me
to be here today. I don't want to be here.

Sent from my iPod

2010-04-02T11:38:00.001-04:00

Back at work this morning after being sick the last two and a half
days with a cold. Still stuffy and my voice is pretty shot (very
unhelpful when your entire job is being on the phone!) plus I'm still
really tired and runover feeling but I'm here and trying.

Just heard from Love that Rand's parents are letting the bank take the
house back. They took the last stuff out yesterday when Salvation Army
picked up everything left. They also came and got the kittie but it's
really not going well apparently. We will also try to take one of the
girls - Carra - since she was Rand's cat and is clawed and needs a
loving home if she can't get along with his moms cats. Of course there
is no guarentee that she will get along with ours either.

Blah. It's been a Hell of a week and an even worse month+ now. Anyway
should get back to work. Just so not into it today. Tomorrow is a long
drive to my aunt's house over an hour away for a combo my sisters
birthday/Easter get together. Then Sunday we are having dinner with
Rand's family. So busy weekend.

Out for now.

Sent from my iPod

2010-03-31T10:44:00.002-04:00

Icing
And the icing on the cake? I'm sick. And my jaw hurts from sleeping with my mouth open all night. Day off, was supposed to hang out with my Mom, get out of the house, have a nice afternoon. Then dinner at Love's parent's house to see the uncle and cousins in town.

Instead? Nasty yellow mucus and the fun "run over with a truck" feeling.

Joy.

I'm going back to bed

2010-03-30T13:01:00.000-04:00

I don't even know what to type. I feel like I need to write something
because I have this overwhelming panic inside me just bubbling up
right under the surface so it feels like I need to get it out somehow.

I am at work right now on lunch for another few minutes. I barely made
it in this morning and couldn't help but start crying when I did first
get here. I'm such a mess. This isn't normally me. It's embarassing
feeling so obviously damaged and publically wounded. I guess the
animal part of my brain wants to run and hide so the world doesn't
know I'm vunerable right now.

People have reassured me that grief represnting itself as extreme
anxiety and panic is normal and that's reassuring to a small degree.
Because it sure doesn't feel normal. It feels like I'm some freak who
is overreacting or something; like no one else acts like this so there
must be something wrong with me personally.

Just I am so broken right now and it feels like I will never be
"normal" or whole again. It's just everything, you know? I think this
entire month of hell has really turned my life, my perspective, my
sense of self and world view on it's head. It's like some horrible
catalyst triggering this shift in reality and I'm lost, floundering
not sure how to navigate through this terrifying new world order.

Anyway lunch is over. Guess I need to go back to my desk. It's the
last thing I want to do but I'm here so I need to push through or at
least try. It's just so hard walking through this fog when nonone else
feels this way; I can't understand how the rest of the world is going
on as if nothing has changed. It scares me that I have changed.

Anyway ramblings and pondering for another time I guess. Back to the
grind for me.

Sent from my iPod

2010-03-29T08:19:00.001-04:00

I have never been an overly anxious person, nor the type to have panic
attacks. I've been through a lot of misery in my years but I learned
how to mostly be strong enough to endure and survive.

But right now...?

I am so frayed and so unraveled, the mere thought of getting up,
getting dressed and going about my day has me in tears. I am at my
breaking point and I feel like this blind, awful panic is just a hair
beneath the surface.

I have felt depression before but I've never felt this crippling
helplessness combined with sheer terror at facing the day. I just
really feel like I can do no more; no more errands, no more moving
furnature, no more cleaning, no more coordinating with everyone for
everything, no more anything. Just no more. I feel like I need to hide
away from the world because I'm wounded and broken and can't hide it
any longer.

I don't like this feeling but I just feel too helpless, frayed and
broken to face trying to do anything to get through it.

Sent from my iPod

2010-03-28T00:23:00.002-04:00

Week In Review
Once again, I find the entire week has gone by and I've intended pretty much every day to get around to writing an update, but there simply aren't enough hours in a week, let alone in a day right now. So here's an overview of the week...

Monday, March 22nd
Went back to work after the week off following Rand's passing and funeral services. It was tough. I wound up having to talk about it most of the day and I came close to breaking down a few times, but I managed to snuffle back tears most of the day.

Janet - who's training me - is really nice and took it easy on me. Even though I've been doing calls myself before my week off, she realized I had brain mush and let me listen in to her for the morning calls, took me for a walking tour of the building and then had me help out in the afternoon on the data entry side, but didn't make me talk to anyone. Which was nice. I just wasn't ready to be chipper.

Tuesday, March 23rd
Spent most of the day doing calls on my own which was fine as Janet was having car problems that morning and didn't get in until after 12pm. We worked together for a bit in the afternoon but since she leaves at 2:30pm, most of the day it was just me.

After work that night, I went and got my hair cut. My sister had given me a gift certificate for a place right down the road that she won. I've had it for a few weeks but with everything going on, I didn't get a chance to arrange an appointment. My sister lives about 40 minutes away so she figured I could use it. Plus, as usual, it had been like eight months or something since I had gotten my hair cut and it was all annoying. Too long to be short but too short to be long. Plus, it just wasn't styling right anymore. I had never been to the salon but the lady was nice and did a good job. Only cost me the $10 tip which was nice too. I cut it to skirt my shoulders again with some long, face-framing layers. It's a simple, easy to care for style and I like it. Maybe one day I'll get a pic but don't hold your breath waiting for it. Heh.

Wednesday, March 24th
Wednesdays are my day off but the moment I was conscious, before I even opened my eyes, there was a full-blown migraine waiting for me. Ugh. Love took a half day and came home around 12:30pm because we had to meet Rand's mom and step-dad at his house to help them pack up the truck of things they were taking to the storage unit. We got there and found out something awful.

See, every year for like eight years now, we carved pumpkins together with Rand at Halloween. A few years back, we realized it was silly to spend all that time and make awesome pumpkins just to throw them away a couple days later. So we all switched to the fake (foam) ones. And every year, we all carved one or two and were building up a great collection. (You can see last year's display here) We had all of them, plus the tools, pattern books and uncarved pumpkins purchased on clearance after Halloween for next year stored in Rand's attic. (Since every year we went to his house to decorate his yard and hand out candy to his neighborhood kids.)

Well, we get there and turns out, they took EVERYTHING - all of the pumpkins, decorations, tools, books, etc - all of it, to the dump.. Even though we TOLD them that our pumpkins were stored there. And even though they KNEW we always got together every Halloween to carve pumpkins. They just put it all in bags and took it to the compactor.

I was devastated. I still am.

Besides the fact that you're talking about hundreds of dollars in pumpkins, tools, books, etc. (as each pumpkin is like $20 and there were like a dozen of them), more importantly, it's something we did together. It was stuff we can't ever get back. Rand will never carve pumpkins with us again and all the ones that should have been with us for years to come were heartlessly thrown away and destroyed.

I honestly had nightmares that night over how upset I was.

The day was awful because the migraine never got better so here I was, with a full-blown attack, crying because they threw our pumpkins away and helping pack up and do heavy lifting. It was a horrible day.

Thursday, March 25th
Since I never got a chance to rest, my migraine didn't go anywhere and stuck around through Thursday. I called into work because I was in so much blinding pain I couldn't function. Love had really killed his back carrying all the heavy furniture as Rand's step-dad had massive back and hip surgery and just can't move much himself. Poor Love also has a severe sprain in his left elbow (and he's left-handed) so right now he can't lift his arm pretty much higher then chest level and all that stress and carrying didn't help. I told him to take the day as well, so we both mainly rested Thursday. Besides a run to the store, it was a very low-key day.

Friday, March 26th
I did another type of call at work Friday which is a more important call when there are problems and we're tying to research what is wrong. It involves more codes and more steps and isn't quite as "scripted" as the check-up calls we do. It was the first day I had done them by myself and it went pretty good.

Yesterday, Love had to run to his folk's house after work to mow their lawn since his uncle was coming into town and his dad wanted it done before then. (Love and his brother mow the lawn and the neighbor's lawn since Love's dad has no feeling in his feet due to diabetes.) Since he was down that way, he stopped by our favorite Chinese restaurant to bring dinner home. Problem was, it got here and I started crying.

Love's been going there for like 25 years. And they know him there. So the owner always throws in so many extras. Those extras always went to Rand. We'd put a package together for him since he loved the place too and it was way too much food for just us. So I'm taking the stuff out of the box to plate and just broke down realizing all that was going to go to waste. Fucking sucks how it happens like that. Just going about your day and WHAM! something reminds you so painfully that your best friend is gone. Little, stupid shit.

Saturday, March 27th
Rand reffed a local youth soccer league every Saturday morning for several months a year for ten years. He loved soccer and volunteered his time to the group. They had their 10 year anniversary the day he died. (March 13th.) He had been a dedicated volunteer, getting up early every single Saturday of the season to donate his time for all ten years. So this morning, they had a small ceremony, a moment of silence and a balloon release for him. We got up early to be there at 9am for it. We aren't big soccer fans and we used to tease him good-naturedly about how weekends were for sleeping in, not getting up to ref! So we laughed today at the irony that he finally managed to get us up and on the field early on a Saturday morning.

I had another blinding migraine all day today mixed with a pressure/sinus headache and spend most of my day in a horrible, painful fog. We made it to Target and Publix and I couldn't take more then that so we went home and I laid down for a bit with an ice pack on my eyes.

Later, we had to run over to Rand's as a friend was coming over to get his bike since he needed a new one anyway and everyone's trying to make sure anything that can be used, gets taken by someone rather then going to Salvation Army.

Beyond all that, we've been by Rand's every day this week. Between feeding the kitties (who are still over there but will probably be going to his mom's house tomorrow or the next day), bringing people over to take things they can use, helping Love's brother load up the tv and other items, pretty much we've been there a few hours every single day.

It's weird because it's getting very empty now and almost all the furniture is gone. What isn't already gone will be gone tomorrow when Rob takes a bunch of leftover pieces (he's getting a new house and needs stuff for it anyway) and the few remaining items will go to Salvation Army sometime next week. I still don't know what they're doing with the house but...his step-dad is in a hurry to get it cleared out.

So tomorrow is another day of helping load and move things, then driving down to Love's parent's house for dinner with the uncle and then BAM, the weekend is gone again. It's just so hard because our apartment is a war zone. Between bringing over a lot of items ourselves, to not having time to clean the apartment, to exhaustion, the place is terrible. And we're just so damned tired and stretched thin and not sleeping and like I said - not enough hours in the week. I'm still SO overwhelmed and it's just so hard to keep going like this. It's hard enough for anyone but throw in chronic illness and chronic fatigue issues on top of it - when you already feel like ass 99.9% of the time in the best of conditions, then be stressed, don't sleep or rest and try to run from sunup to way past sundown - something's got to give.

So...yeah. That's been my week in summery. I started writing this at 12:23am and it's now 1:04am so you see it's just another thing there's not enough time for and why I haven't had a chance to make updates before now.

Life is still really chaos and tears right now and I just want it to stop being so damned hard and I really need to just stop for awhile by choice because otherwise, I'm going to do so without a say in the matter. I just don't know when I have time to stop which makes me all the more tired and more ready to collapse. I'm worried about everything and frustrated about everything and I just feel like it's all too damned much to deal with and I really don't know how much longer things can go on like this.

2010-03-21T20:13:00.001-04:00

I go back to work tomorrow after all last week off. I so just don't
want to and I'm nervous about how it's going to go and what if they
can me for the time off... I remind myself though anyone souless
enough to fire a person for needing to miss 24 hours (four 6 hour
shifts since I already have Wednesdays off) at work due to grief and
funeral services really isn't the kind of place you want to work at
anyway. Still I need income right now and much as the job is boring
it's money. I am also not looking forward to everyone's concern and
questions which, while meant as a nice guesture, will probably make me
cry and I don't want to break down at work.

I just still feel so...I don't know, lost? Drifting? Just really
disconected from reality. It's been such a loooong three weeks and
sometimes feels like life will never feel "normal" again. I just want
to hide away from the world for awhile longer.

I don't know. I am just so sad right now and I feel like it's all just
too much to deal with and tomorrow facing work even though I need to,
is just stressing me out.

Sent from my iPod

2010-03-18T16:03:00.000-04:00

Just got home from the funeral. The viewing last night was hard but the service this morning was impossible. Poor Love couldn't even speak; I had to come up and finish reading his eulogy for him.

You just don't find friends like this everyday. So please, everyone, take a moment to tell those close to you how much they mean and cherish the gift of time together. It means so much knowing you had that wonderful relationship - especially when they're taken from you too soon. So celebrate it and enjoy.

We miss you, Rand. Thanks for always being such a wonderful part of our lives.

2010-03-18T08:17:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was the viewing/visiting. We made it through.

This morning, however, at 11am, is the actual service. Love is supposed to speak and neither of us wants to face this.

I still can't believe he's gone.

2010-03-17T11:18:00.001-04:00

Service at 5pm tonight. Dear gods i dont think i can do this. Text msg from M

2010-03-15T23:45:00.003-04:00

Stream of Consciousness
Random thoughts spinning in my head right now...Sorry in advance if they are chaotic and/or disorganized.

Last few days have been surreal and yet horrible at the same time. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that we are NEVER going to do anything with Rand. Ever again. That just doesn't seem possible.

Tracked down a bunch of friends and coworkers of Rand's the last 24 hours, called his old job, and generally tried to make sure everyone who would want to know about his passing did.

The "viewing" is Wednesday 5pm-7pm and the actual service is Thursday, March 18th at 11am. One month to the day since Love's birthday. And two days shy of one month that we had Love's birthday party at Rand's house.

Love's birthday party was one week exactly from the day he called 911 and went into the ER and had surgery. One tiny week between fun, normal, celebratory state of mind with everyone gathered at his house to the last time we would ever see him awake and conscious ever again.

I called my boss and left him a message Sunday afternoon. Told him I didn't think I'd be in this week. He knew what had been going on because it all happened five days after I started the job. I started on February 22nd, and Rand went to the hospital February 27th. So pretty much my entire duration at my job I've been a bit of a wreck. I know I need the job and that it took 3 months to find it and such but I just...can't. I can't be on the phone, chipper, talking to clients right now. I just can't be that person. I can barely get up and out of bed and start my day right now.

Tomorrow I have to shop for clothes to wear. I don't own any dresses or skirts at all let alone black ones. I do have one pair of black dress slacks but I don't have dark dress shoes or shirt. So I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to wear. Especially since we have two days of services. Since we're basically going to be standing there with the family as kinda representatives of his family, we really need to be there the whole time. Besides his mom and step-dad, we are the closest people to him. And everyone who knew him, knew he was like a brother to us.

My never-ending new glasses saga continues to never end. It made me sad to realize this has gone on so long that Rand was alive and well when I ordered them initially. Now he's gone and I still don't have them.

First pair - flawed lenses. (Permanent "smears" on the glass from defective machine anti-glare coating.)
Second pair - fish bowl. (So much distortion that even after 24 hours, I was sick, dizzy and couldn't judge any perspective at all.)
Third pair - more fish bowl. (I told them I think I needed the "high definition" lenses that don't distort. The manager told me no, I needed smaller frames. So I had to pick out a less wide frame and wait all over again.)
Fourth pair - Finally, the right lenses (the distortion-free, high performance ones). But, when I got home, I realized they too were flawed. Both lenses have what looks almost like a "finger print" right smack dab in the middle of each lens. It's in the glass though and won't come off.

We're now at two flawed lenses, two frame selections and 26 days of waiting. The real pain in the ass is that I've had to wait on the lenses twice now. Pair #2 they were out of my prescription. Pair #4 is special order since it's the "high definition" lenses. So, getting another special order pair means another week to get them a second time.

They claim only 5% of people cannot wear the polycarbonate lenses - the ones that are unbearably distorting. I find it hard to believe. It was so bad for me that I can't see how anyone could wear them. But if it's true, it just goes along with all my other, weird sensitivities. I'm not allergic to "normal" things; I'm allergic to things like glycerin and UV light. Why not polycarbonate eyewear as well?

Wound up going to a hockey game on Sunday. Two friends of Love's said they were stealing us for the night to take us to dinner. Turns out, they fibbed and took us to a Lightning game instead. They got these tickets from another coworker who's Dad has like a box and stuff so we wound up in this "Party" suite with like free food, leather chairs, etc. It was cool but I can't say Love or I have ever paid less attention to a game in our life. We just couldn't focus on it. Plus, we both broke down after the first period thinking about how much Rand would have loved it since he was a huge hockey fan as well and we had gone to many games with him over the years. (Love even got to go to Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Finals the year the Lightning won with Rand.) It was just really bittersweet.

I just ~~read~~ skimmed through the past four or five days worth of LJ posts but it's definitely possible I've missed things, or things from realistically, the past two weeks Rand was in the hospital. Sorry. I didn't really comment on much either because I just kinda wanted to try to catch up a tiny bit.

Thanks to everyone for the thoughts and kind words. I don't think I have the strength right now to go through and reply to each one personally, but it really did mean a lot to see the support. So please consider yourself thanked.

Anyway, I think that's all the thoughts (mostly) spinning through right now that I can put into words to talk about. I am just really kinda lost and adrift at the moment and this is the first time I'm going through this kind of thing with someone who was so close to me and so much a part of our lives. I've never been so personally close to death I guess so I'm really just...lost right now.

I'm also tired. So I'm going to stop babbling since I've been typing for like a half hour now and probably get ready and go to bed.

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts. Please continue to keep his family in your thoughts if possible. It's a really trying time on us all and his mom especially. (Who is now burying her second of two sons. Both her children are gone and we can't help but worry for her now as well.)

Night.

2010-03-14T11:41:00.001-04:00

I can't stop this song from running through my head right now...

"I Grieve" - Peter Gabriel

it was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
there's nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it's just the way that you would tied in
now there's no-one home

i grieve for you
you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i can't handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on

life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

it's just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve