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Blogroll Me!
There are people on the net that have nothing better to do
with their time
then be nasty to other people online. They post rude comments, spend hours
a day talking about sites they hate so much, that they well, spend hours a
day talking about them. (lame) They mock the owners and posters for their
opinions and their right to free speech. They expect everyone to fit into
their narrow-minded little world view or else they throw a temper tantrum.
To these people I say grow up.
Here's a bit of info people...the web is
a HUGE place. If you don't like what I say here, or who I am, or what I
do, or talk about, or what I look like, or the color of my hair, or
whatever asinine thing you dwell on, go somewhere else. It's
really, really easy. Honest. You just click the little "x" in
the corner of your browser and *poof* the offending, big, mean and nasty
site has disappeared.
I pay for this site. It's mine. That
means I can use it for whatever the hell I want to. Don't like it if I'm
bitching about something in my life? Oh fucking well. Go somewhere else.
Think I'm stupid for expressing my thoughts? Too fucking bad, don't read
them. Somewhere along the line, someone forgot this simple fact: Live
and let live Don't like me, cool, fine, whatever, I don't care.
This journal is NOT for you. It's for me. I'm not in it for popularity or
fame or anything stupid like that. I write it because I need to write and
express myself and get things out of my head sometimes. So read or don't,
it doesn't matter, but don't waste my time (or yours) bitching about it.
*gets off soapbox*
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Friday, March 18, 2005
Futzing
Just took 71 pictures to come up with the new image over there on the left for my "cube" image as I call it. Seventy-one photos. See, it's not all instant prettiness, I tell ya, it's hard work. (Actually, it's half not instand prettiness and half I have to take the photos blind so I don't know what it looks like until after I click it to see what I like and don't about the shot. Ends up with a lot of wasted shots.) Anyway, since I'm (admittedly) a bit vain, I wanted to show off a larger version of it and another I liked. Why the heck not. It was my big project for the day. (Ha)   So there ya go. Exciting, non?
~ flowers bloom by Memory and Dream
at 3/18/2005 03:54:00 PM ~
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Thursday, March 17, 2005
Bloom - Spring 2005
I'm a few days early, but better then a few days late. Figured it was time to bring the journal into Spring. Of course, the journal looks very pretty and airy and festive but it fails utterly to capture my mood of late. Since my dentist appointment on Monday, I've been lower then I've been in as very, very long time. I quite simply don't know what I'm going to do. Anyway, I don't have much to say that's not more depression and bleak thoughts but I wanted to ensure that the new template was working.
~ flowers bloom by Memory and Dream
at 3/17/2005 10:56:00 PM ~
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Tuesday, March 15, 2005
More on Yesterday
A month ago, my mom made the appointment with the dentist for me. The first available was exactly one month later: March 14th. The dentist offered a free consultation with free x-rays and everything so it was worth it to wait and get checked out for free. My appointment was for 1pm so my mom came and got me around noon. We got to the office a few minutes before one. Waited for 15 minutes and then I filled out my new patient paperworl; standard stuff like medical history and such. Turned it back in and proceeded to wait. And wait. And wait. Until 2:30pm - an hour and a half later. Went in and got a full set of x-rays. They have this real-time digital x-ray setup that doesn't use film, but hooks right up to a computer so they can immediately see if the x-ray is good or not. Took shots of each and every tooth. The dentist came in and that's where it all went downhill. I went in there for the one broken tooth. Bottom right molar, second from the back, it was filled about twenty years ago. Two+ years ago, it developed a crack but since I haven't had insurance - let alone dental insurance - in about four or five years, I didn't have the money to get it fixed. Then, in February of this year, where it was cracked, it actually broke away. Leaving a small hole in the tooth. The filling was still intact, but there was definately a piece missing. I explained all this to him, but that wasn't the only problem I had. Turns out that the broken tooth needs a crown. No big surprise there. I figured as much. Bacteria has gotten in though under the filling and is currently about 2mm away from reaching the root of the tooth. The filling needs to be removed, then they need to clean out the bacteria under it and cap it for structural intergity. It's serious and without getting it done soon, I'll be facing a root canal. The tooth is worth saving though he said (which, I personally have to agree with because I do not believe in extraction unless under very critical situation such as when I had my impacted wisdom teeth removed) and will be capped in white and in the end, look like there was nothing done to the tooth. (And, which will NOT contain an amalgam filling which is good, because I am very concerned about the mercury poisoning issue with amalgam fillings. They don't use them there at all.) The downside to this is that it's $814 total for the entire procedure. Which is actually cheap for crown work though a hell of a lot of money in general. I have an appointment for March 31st to have it taken care of because I can't risk losing the tooth and facing root canal work on it. I'm having to borrow money just to get it done on top of the several thousand dollars I already owe people. The worse part of the news is that the one tooth wasn't my only problem. Turns out, that I have six cavities as well. Which utterly was a blow that took my breath away. Just typing it makes me cringe, makes me tremble and puts my heartrate through the roof. I don't get it. All the cavities are side ones - inbetween my teeth and most are pretty severe. Most are already through the first layer of the tooth and into the second and if they're not taken care of soon, I risk a host of problems. The thing that doesn't make sense is he said I have strong, healthy teeth. But how can that be when apparently, in the last four or five years since my last dentist visit, I've gotten six cavities? He asked me what I drink. Spring water I told him. (Which is true; I buy it by the case because it's my primary beverage and has been for years.) He asked if I drink a lot of coffee or use fancy creamers. No, I don't drink coffee at all or ever. He asked if I chew a lot of gum or mints or altoids or anything, which I don't, ever. He askd if I flossed regularly which I admit I don't, but it's because it makes my gums bleed and swell and no matter how much I try to toughen them up, they never do and there's only so much painful gums I can take before I give up again. They said that must be it, but it's not like I don't brush my teeth. Because I do. A lot and with great regularity. I've always been very attentive to my teeth. I take good care of them. In almost twenty-eight years, I've had exactly two cavitites and they were about fifteen years apart. And yet, somehow in the last four or five years, I've developed six. You can't see them on the surface. And, since they don't extend to the roots [yet], they don't hurt. Which is why I didn't know they were there. But they're easily seen on the x-rays. Clearly, dark areas of decay. This bothers me so much. There are things that I've dealt with in my mouth that I did because I had to but I don't feel bad for them. Like my braces. I can't control the shape of my mouth so I don't feel like a failure for having needed them. Or, like my wisdom teeth extraction. They were impacted way into my jaw and again, not a failing on my account. Even the broken tooth, while it makes me feel horrible, I can at least look logically at and see there are reasons the tooth could have failed; old filling, stress from braces and surgery, structural loss, etc. But this.... I feel like such a failure. I feel dirty in some way. Fouled. I know that probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but, it's how I feel. I've failed in something so simple and I'm left with this disaster in my mouth that's a ticking timebomb. It's like I can't even keep myself...clean. I can't keep myself healthy. And, despite my efforts, it clearly isn't enough. I clearly am not only doing something wrong, it's with such downward momentum, that it's piling up and amassing huge decay. I feel disgusting because of it; I feel dirty. And I feel so lacking. The biggest part of it all is that when they add up the work that needs doing on my broken tooth and the two sessions of three filling each, it's over $1,700. Seventeen hundred and fifty-four dollars to be exact. You know, the grand scheme of things that's not even pocket change. It's nothing. And yet, to me, it might as well be a billion dollars. What are my choices? Let my teeth rot from the inside out or....what? Pay my rent? I mean, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I really don't. I still need to get a car for fuck's sake. Without a car, I can't get a job and without a job I'll never be able to get the money to do things like fix my mouth. Let alone even begin to pay back the thousands of dollars I owe to just about every person I know. There's nothing left. I can't ask anyone for anymore. I don't have any credit cards, I have shit for credit, I have no income and I have no means of getting income. And meanwhile, I have a decaying mouth and I'm going to lose my teeth if I can't come up with another $800+ dollars for the work that needs doing. It just never lets up. And it's why I cried all day yesterday, why I got a migraine from hell last night and why I couldn't sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore and I don't have any options and I'm just so tired of all the shit and the pain and the bad news. It's all just too much for me to bear. Foul, dirty, rotting failure. That's me in a nutshell.
~ flowers bloom by Memory and Dream
at 3/15/2005 01:01:00 PM ~
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Monday, March 14, 2005
Having a Bad Day
So I went to the dentist today. Some of it was better then I thought and some of it was worse. I have a lot more to worry about that I didn't know about above and beyond the reason I went (the chipped tooth.) I spent a good deal of the afternoon crying. I'm just really past the breaking point. "It'll get better" people always say but that's just fucking bullshit. It never gets better. Ever. I just sink further and further down. I don't want to talk about the details right now. I have such a headache and even though I can't stop thinking about everything, I don't want to think about it so much that I have to write about it. I'm just so weary of it all. So tired my soul aches.
~ flowers bloom by Memory and Dream
at 3/14/2005 11:18:00 PM ~
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Scaredy Cat
Quickie, because I've got to get ready. Mom's coming to pick me up at noon for a 1pm dentist appoitment. It's only been over a month now since part of my tooth cracked away and I'm just now going to get it looked at for the first time. Thankfully, it hasn't hurt, but it's really frustrating and I really want to know what the next step needs to be. Not that I can afford to have it fixed, but I at least want to know what I'm really dealing with. The consult is free (hence the waiting a month for the appointment) so we'll see what comes of it. In the meantime, ACK! I hate dentists. Years of braces and two major surgeries on my mouth haven't helped that either. Wish me luck.
~ flowers bloom by Memory and Dream
at 3/14/2005 10:39:00 AM ~
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Sunday, March 13, 2005
Saturday In Sum
Wake up (begrudgingly). Shower. Dress. Head out with Rand and Love. Costco for Rand and water for us. Super Target for tp and tissues. PetSmart for the girls. Michaels a thing of bead wire (was out). Borders to return a lipbalm I bought (sucked and burned). Popeyes for lunch (Love's fav and a rare treat since it's no where near the apt). Back home. Guys play some NHL2K5 for a bit. I bead a little. Watch What Not to Wear 'cause it was on. Play Champions of Norrath for four and a half hours straight. Forget to eat dinner. Rand goes home at midnight. Love and I are hungry. Poke around online. Write this [quasi] entry. Watch Love dance around with his iPod. (silly boy) Prepare to scrounge for food. (Pancakes perhaps?) Odd moment of the day?  As seen in the parking lot of Super Target. Just so weird, it made me laugh outloud and I had to take a photo of it. So another exciting Saturday in the life of M. Ain't you jealous? *snorts*
~ flowers bloom by Memory and Dream
at 3/13/2005 01:22:00 AM ~
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