~ given eyes to see : : personal journal, blog, photography (spring 2007)

A Consistent Lack Of Consistency
Jeez. I don't know what's with me lately. I don't mean to leave my journal hanging without a new entry for a week at a time, but it seems to keep happening. By the time I remember I didn't write an entry, I've shut the pc down and am brushing my teeth for bed. I think, "oh, I'll post tomorrow" but then tomorrow comes and goes and I'm brushing my teeth with the pc turned off for the night thinking again that I never got around to an update.

I guess more than anything it's just the vast sameness of my days; the utter lack of anything to write about. (Although I spend an unhealthy amount of time mentally composing entries about the stupidity of things I've seen on tv - mainly commercials - but they never get past the inside-my-head commentary.) I already have an extremely lacking sense of time - my internal clock doesn't work like normal people so two days ago and two weeks ago and two months ago literally all feel the same vague amount of time prior - that by the time I force myself to sit down and post something, more time has passed then I realize. As I logged into blogger for example, it tells me my last update was April 4th. Really?? Jeezy-creezy that's much longer then I thought! How in the world was my last update over a week ago now? Then I stop and try to think about what's happened over the past seven days and I can't bring anything to mind. Which brings us right back, full circle, to the reason I probably haven't written anything in the first place.

I mean, what's to say? Microwave is still sitting on the counter but I won't use it because of the ubber frightening noise is makes. Still no money to buy a new one. (Maybe this weekend if I'm lucky and can find a good deal.) Still waiting to get my absurdly overdue eye exam for my new glasses but every time I earmark money for it, we end up having to spend it to get by in the day-to-day. (i.e. gas, food, etc.) Still sitting around most days feeling like I'd like to do something creative but utterly lacking the motivation to follow through in any way. Still dreading the ever-creeping closer 30th birthday and the mounds of self-loathing that comes with reaching a milestone in your life and discovering you're still puttering around the starting block. Still dealing with an absolutely disgusting, unprecedented and utterly frustrating case of extreme dry skin on my face (which, come to think of it, I may not have posted about so I'll try to detail what I mean in another entry.) Still dealing with a terrible bout of restless sleep, bad dreams and massive fatigue.

Still...still....still. So what's to say? Hasn't it all been said already? And wasn't it depressing and not worth committing to print the first time around?

I don't know. I just know that I feel oddly guilty when I let my journal go stagnant. I'm not sure if it's guilt that I'm not performing for others well enough or that I'm not performing for myself enough, but either way, it's definitely guilt.

In any case, it's almost 1:30am and I came in here almost half an hour ago with the intent of turning the pc off and trying to go to sleep earlier than normal. Instead, I decided the sleep thing isn't working out so well anyway, I might as well force myself into writing up something - anything - instead. So here it is. Don't mind me, I'm just a little down right now and it just doesn't seem worth writing all out every day like I used to. I love the process of journaling, the orchestrating of words and I love trying to find my voice within it all, but... I don't know. I certainly don't love these kinds of entries or this lack of anything [I feel is] valuable to say.

On that note, I guess I'm saying that I'm here even when I'm not and that now it's time to try and sleep.

~ flowers bloom for :: miss m :: at 4/12/2007 01:13:00 AM ~ ~