I'm over at my friend Rand's house. He came by and picked me up on his lunch hour so I could do some laundry. Sadly, since we lack a w/d in our new apartment, the funds to get a w/d, and any laundry facilities on property, I have to rely on the kindness of my friend in order to keep us in clean clothes and towels. It's no fun, I'll tell you. I've never not had a w/d in any home or apartment I've lived in, so I never realized just how difficult it can be when you don't have the option of tossing in a load or two when you're running low on something or you need something clean for the next day. And I have no idea when we'll ever be able to save up to buy our own. Money is tighter then ever and we're further behind then ever. It's so disheartening. Add to that the state of the car and how it's barely working and how we can't only not afford to fix it, but we have no chance of affording a replacement, and the situation gets all the more dire.
I'm so worn out. It seems like we bleed and struggle for one step forward and ten things come crashing onto our heads and ultimately put us so much further behind then we were when we started. I really have such a sense of, "why bother?" and, "why even try?" because it just seems like it's so much easier to give up. It's all going to fail and hurt anyway, so why keep going?
Needless to say, I'm having a hell of a time with my depression right now. I had been keeping in check since the move, but it's back and I'm more hopeless then ever. I really feel like I'm just going through the motions as parts of me break away every day. My health degrades, my options dwindle to nothing and my world gets heavier and more painful each day. So what's the point? There really doesn't seem to be one. I don't know how to deal with it anymore and for anything that I need to try to work to fix, a dozen things stand in my way that I can't fix. I need a job but I can't without transportation but I can't have transportation because I don't have the money which is why I need the job. And I need medical help with my problems - which grow worse - but I don't have the money and I can't work enough or long enough to get health insurance because my health makes it impossible for me to put in those hours. I've lost so many jobs over the last years because my health gets in the way that I'm gun shy and I know that it's just going to keep happening that I don't even want to start. Why put myself through it?
I don't know. It's just all going down the drain and I'm sick of trying to tread water. I can't keep my head above the surface anymore and I'm just so very tired.
~ castles of sand by Memory and Dream
at 11/5/2004 01:15:47 PM ~
~
