Sorry, I just really haven't had anything much to say. At least nothing anyone wants to read about. Nothing has been going on. We're broke to the point of disgust. We're behind and it seems like we'll never get caught up. The car is such a nightmare. My mother is coming by tomorrow to forcebly take me to some mechanic she "knows" (whatever) and see what's wrong. She wants to charge the repair costs and have us pay her back. I'm so not happy with this situation in the slightest. Tomorrow will suck ass for so many reasons. Meeting her here at 9am, spending an hour driving to her mechanic (way far away and just what I need to be doing; sweating to death in an overheating car for an hour), spending all day sitting around, borrowing more money from my mom to dump more money into the ceaspool that is my car to have to try to now come up with money to pay her back.
I'm just so sick of it all. I really am.
I'm still not sleeping for crap. I've been getting migraines like crazy. My stomach is a mess. I'm just so depressed lately and I feel like I'm drowning in it all. We can't pay our bills, we can't get caught up, and it's not like we've got debt or anything - neither one of us has a single credit card. Not one. It's just if we buy ourselves a pair of shoes when the old ones fall apart, or we go see a movie to get out of the goddamned house, suddenly we're running short again and we're fucked. I'm so sick of being fucked. For two years now I've been dealing with the cracked tooth I have and there's no way we'll ever have the money to fix it (forget the fact my teeth have severely moved out of place and make my entire jaw ache every single day and I need to get braces again for a few months but I can't do that until the crack is addressed). In the meantime, I've gotten cavities on the other side since it's the only side I can eat on, but I can't fix those either. I haven't had medication for my debilitating migraines in three years now and can't afford it even if I could some how get a prescription. I can't see anyone about my shoulder dislocating itself all the time, nor my stomach which keeps me ill 23 hours out of every day, nor even my damned finger which has been swollen for three weeks now and I have no idea why.
It's just absurd. Why the fuck it is all this hard? I am so depressed I don't even want to think anymore. I don't want to live anymore. I just don't want to feel any of it anymore. I'm crying all the time and I can't stop. I hate it. I just hate it all.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 7/13/2004 03:22:45 PM ~
~
