Ok, I know I was pissed when I wrote the previous entry. I'm sure you could tell. It's just that I'm the only one who really ever cared about getting out, having fun, seeing some fireworks. I never just wanted to spend the day sitting around doing the same-old, same-old, you know? It's a holiday. It should be fun.
Problem is that it's simply not been every year for like the last five or six years. More then that, it's been an absolute frustration and failure. No matter how big or small of plans we make for the day, they never do anything but fail utterly. We've tried everything and each time, something major - not just minor - comes along and utterly ruins it and makes it so we can't do anything at all. We don't get to do what we planned and even our backup attemps to just do anything fail. It's miserable. And I'm so tired of it. It was funny the first couple times. It's just not anymore. It's depressing and it leaves me feeling worse then if I hadn't done anything but sit around my apartment all day.
I don't know. I just hate when year after year, holiday after holiday we don't do anything and when we try it's a miserable, fruitless experience. Just feels like everything I do I fuck up. And kicks in that little voice inside my head (that never goes away) that says don't even bother trying. you're only going to fail anyway. It's why I don't really ever feel like doing anything. Deep-down, I believe that voice is right.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 7/5/2004 12:57:54 AM ~
~
