First off, my day started with me getting ill in the restroom. My Love had to get to work (he was already running late at that point) and so had to leave - with the car. See, normally, I get up, take him in, come home, hurry up and get ready then get myself into work. Well, he had to leave, me still in the bathroom sick leaving me sans car. So when I got out, I had to call in because I had no way of getting there. Fuck.
Then, if that weren't enough of a bummer, today is the one year anniversary of the day I had to put Kush-ka to sleep. I was crying last night, thinking how a year ago yesterday he was alive and a year ago today he wasn't. I didn't put him in his carrier that last ride to the vet. I put a blanket on my lap and let him lay on me, looking out the window if he wanted. He was so calm. When we got there, I couldn't get out of the car. He and I sat in there for probably 45 minutes. I let him walk around and he laid down in the driver's seat. I took the very last photos of him in the car. The sun was hitting him and he had that Kush almost-smile look on his face. He loved sunbeams like nobody's business. Eventually, I picked him up and went inside. I stayed with him a little bit more in the room. Holding him, talking to him, telling him how much I loved him. I couldn't stay through the end though. My mom met me there and she stayed with him. I gave him a final kiss on his head and went to the lobby with my Love. He held me. A few minutes later my mom came out and said it was over. I was so happy my mom stayed in there. I didn't want him to be alone, but I couldn't be in there; I couldn't watch him die.
We left all crying. I got a milkshake from the Buger King next door. I needed something to drink and my Love suggested it. He took me to a bead store after that. To distract me because I wasn't ready to go home yet to the empty apartment. I bought some stuff. I don't even really remember what. When we finally did go home, I walked in and got changed. Put on my pj's. My Love took his condo and stuff out of the living room so I wouldn't have to see it. I laid down for a few hours and slept fitfully. It was the first night in a long time that I didn't have him laying at my feet.
That week, I got back his ashes. And the vet's office sent three red roses and a card. It was very sweet of them. The roses are actually hanging still on the wall. It was so hard because it was so empty there. I was so alone.
That weekend, I was randomly surfing. And for some reason I came across the county SPCA website. I started looking at the kitties for adoption. One of them stood out; a cute tabby with these big, green eyes. The next day, Sunday, we went. With the intention of just looking. I asked them to bring out a couple kitties. I can't even remember what the others were. But one of them I came across was that tabby from the website. Something about her I just liked. I didn't mean to, but I found another kitty. I brought her home that very day. Five days after I lost Kush. I hadn't meant for it to be so soon. It wasn't planned that way. But it just kinda happened.
It was weird at first. She was a little scared of the new environment and hiding under the bed. She wasn't Kush. I knew logically she wouldn't be, but I almost expected her to act like he did. She was her own kitty and over the next day or two she really warmed up to us. She was so strange though and at first I think I regretted bringing her home. I thought I was being disloyal to Kush's memory by having another kitty so soon. It wasn't that at all. I just needed something in my life though that was good and new and happy.
Mika still confounds me sometimes. She's so weird. She's cute and funny and she definately likes me more then anyone else (which actually bothers me since Kush loved my Love as much as me) but she's still not Kush. She's Mika and I've come to accept that. Doesn't mean I don't still miss him though. Because I do. Badly sometimes. I miss the way he looked at me with such knowing in his eyes. Kush transcended the "pet" label; he and I had a relationship that was very special and very important to me. He was family in the way few others could ever be. I really believe that he and I were meant to be together.
So I miss him today. And as the day goes on to the point where, a year ago, I took him to the vet, I grow more sad and feel more distanced from him. Time's just moved on way too quickly and it's hard to know how much we have to leave behind and how fast it all goes away.
It's not a good day and I'm just feeling really low; and like I've failed in so much today. I don't know why or what exactly, but it all seems so far out of my grasp. Anyway, it's a hard day. And I just feel like curling up and sleeping so I don't have to face it, or any other right now.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 4/22/2004 12:21:41 PM ~
~
