Everytime I get into a funk, it goes deeper and deeper. Each time I hit a new low point in my life and my moods, I think I've gone as far down as I can. Then it gets worse. I feel like I'm so far down a hole that it's closed in over me; that I'm trapped in a sufficating tunnel with no opening anymore. I'm so sick of people telling me that my feelings are wrong, or that other people have it worse, or that I'm just exaggerating. I'm sick to death of people telling me that things will just fucking magically get better and that it's all ok. No it's fucking not. And you know what? I don't personally care if some people have worse situations. It doesn't invalidate my own feelings one iota nor does it make me feel any better. My feelings are just as valid and I utterly hate my life. I hate feeling this way. I hate waking up. I don't want to do it anymore. I hate the reflection in the mirror. I hate the fucking SAMENESS of it all and the fact it only ever hurts more rather then less. I hate that I can't take joy from life anymore and I hate that I have to pretend to live in these moments as if I actually wanted to, or as if I actually felt something other then this pain. I hate the fact that in a couple hours I'll want to come back here and delete this and even if I don't, when people try to comfort me with their empty words, I'll pass it off as a momentary fit. Because I always do. I don't need distracting from my feelings - because the distraction only lasts fleeting seconds until the pain comes crashing back even worse - I need to be freed from my feelings. I need to either go numb and finally escape this constant suffering or I need it to die. I can't just keep feeling this way and I can't even put into words all the ways it hurts nor why it feels the way it does. I hate myself and I hate everything about me. I think it's all a sad, cosmic joke and I'm the only one not laughing. I feel like everything is burrying me deeper and deeper but I just won't fucking die.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 7/16/2003 02:46:28 PM ~ ~