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What the hell is wrong with me??!
all I wanted to do in the whole world was go back to fucking sleep this morning. The alarm went off and my whole body just burned with unfounded soreness and hurt. Damn I feel like complete fucking shit today. I feel like I'm just gonna lose it today; like I’m hurtling towards either passing out or going fucking psycho once and for all. I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed. I'm so out of it and so achy and miserable I can't even think straight. Stupid as it sounds, I can only hope that I've gotten anemic again otherwise I don't know what to do. Anemia I can fix by iron injections but something else, well...fuck I don't know. And seeing as I have ZERO days off, ZERO vacation days and ZERO sick days to do something like see a Dr I don't fucking know what to do. I made an appointment for the hematologist for next Thursday – my supposed half day for working on Saturday is going to be spent at the doctor instead of catching up on rest or something silly like that. Who needs to actually take the time off for yourself when you can use it to cram in a doctor’s appointment instead? Can’t miss any time from work for something as trivial as a little dr’s appointment now can we? *sighs* I’m just frustrated. I need to see my primary for a host of things (from my ears being painfully stuffed up for months now, to a very scary and worrisome lump under my arm, next to my breast. {especially scary since we have a history of breast cancer in my family}) not to mention something as “trivial” as desperately wanting to see a dermatologist about the horribly ugly pores on my face. I’m spending $130 a month for health insurance I’ve not gotten to use once because it takes too much time away from work to do it. (like it’s my fault my doctor’s are near where I live an hour away from my work) I get my boss chiding me last week about how I’ve been showing a pattern of absenteeism again – yeah, either coming in a couple hours late because of suffering from horrendous migraine headaches, or going home early one day from a violent stomach flu. He’s like “well, individually, they’re valid reasons, but together, make for a loss of efficiency; everyone else has to work that much harder to make up for the loss.” He goes on to tell me that if this continues, he’ll have to put me on hourly. (like this is a bad thing!) Here’s the thing though, I’ve worked late literally every single night since I’ve started here. Almost every single night until at least 6pm. Many nights even later like 7 or even 7:30 a couple times. I NEVER get out of here earlier then 5:30 period. And rarely do I do more then run out, get food, and eat it at my desk. So, he’s getting me for about 9-10 hours a day, paying me for 8, and telling me that I’m a bad person for being sick a couple times?? I was so upset, I said exactly that. What about the fact I’ve come in on Saturdays to make up time – not that I have to, but I just thought it would be the nice thing to do – or the fact that I’ve worked every night late? His only reply is that it’s not about staying later, it’s about working smarter. Blah blah blah. Fuck that pissed me off. And a day like today when I can’t even have the benefit of the positive side of salary – being able to miss a couple hours and yet get a full check – added to the fact I never ever make overtime but always work it, and topped with the fact that I just feel like I’m falling apart and I don’t know what to do. I’m so stressed I can’t even think about how to resolve this, let alone how I can do something like see the doctors like I need to without it being this huge argument. It doesn’t help when I look around and see the VP of the company being gone all day, moving on company hours, disappearing for hours at a time for an “appointment” coming back high or intoxicated and bailing out early every day. What makes it so wrong that I wish for the flexibility to ensure my health compared to that?? ARG. I don’t know what to do about anything. It’s not even that I hate my job, I just hate what it’s doing to me….how it’s making me feel, and how trapped I am to even make changes to it to better accommodate my health and my LIFE. I remember vaguely that I had one at one point and this is not it! I shouldn’t have to work a Saturday just so I can have time off on a Thursday to see the doctor! I need my Saturdays. I need my time to be me, to rest, to keep myself from going insane. I swear, I feel like I’m simply going mad. That for once and for all this whole damned corporate lifestyle where the company is more important then the individual is truly making me crazy. Not that I’d be able to take time off to talk to someone or bother with silly things like that, no…can’t miss time. Can’t be away from our desk, can’t just honestly not feel like facing it all somedays. No, can’t be that. Can’t be bad for the company. Must be a team player. Fuck that. Where is the “team” when I’m bleeding over and over from my damned periods that won’t stop but I can’t get to the gyno to try to make better? Where is the “team” when a candle is like staring into the sun and my head hurts to bad I can’t even cry? Where is the “team” when I get so depressed and forlorn that all I want to do is just drive off the road and fuck what happens to me? Where is the “team” when I’m so tired I can’t move or when I’m in such pain that I take Tylenol after Tylenol trying to just get a moment’s peace? There’s off having their own lovely lives, doing whatever they want because they can but I can’t. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of being sick. I’m sick of being tired. I’m sick of being so unhappy and unsatisfied with what my life means. I’m sick of pushing things off – creative ideas or endeavors – because I don’t have time to do it and the few moments that I do have I’m too tired to think of it. I’m just sick. And I’m tired. And I’m sick of being tired and tired of being sick.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 4/2/2002 12:19:26 PM ~
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