*sighs* I hate not having money. I hate that there's so much that needs to be done and none of it can. I hate the fact that my cat's latest tumor is growing in size and I don't have the money to get him in to get it removed. (gods, I'm so close too...) I hate the fact that the money I do have will most likely be needed to pay for other things like bills or whatever. Then I'll be back to square one and I my cat will be dead. FUCK. Then, there's stupid shit, like the fact all my clothes are well over 4-6 years old, falling apart, ripping, and just distergrating and I can't do anything about it. Especially if - gods, pending I ever freaking DO - I find a job that requires me to be business or business casual again, I simply do not have anything left intact to wear! It's all so old, it's fallen apart! Everything I own has been worn so many times its just crumbling...it's so stupid of me to sit and daydream about being able to buy new clothes, maybe clothes that actually fit right, or clothes that aren't from my senior year in high school (1995). Maybe something even remotely from this decade, something that I actually want to wear, and somethign that can handle being washed without fear of it not surviving the experience? Gods, maybe I want to look decent for once in my fucking pathetic life and maybe I'm sick of looking like I'm a pauper. (hell, maybe I'm just sick of BEING a pauper).
I've posted my resume online, applied to online postings, I sent out all kinda of resumes yesterday, have some more to fax out - pending I can get to my friend's to use his fax machine - and still I have gotten back zero interest. None. Not one person has even contacted me for more information. I'm in that phase where I'm feeling really worthless and then I think that's stupid. I'm so much fucking better then most of these damn jobs in the papers - these answer phones, file, must be computer literate. How about, must be creative, command usage of written and spoken language, ability to design, style, and provide content for websites (including web graphics), articulate, intelligent, jack-of-all-trades who knows how to do all kinds of things, can learn whatever she doesn't already, dyanmic, complex, truely unique and interesting person who can solve your problems and improve your company if you just gave her a chance ad? Where's that? Where's the idea that it doesn't matter if you don't have that piece of damn paper saying you're smart because you spend hundred thousand dollars on college, but that you're naturally Gifted, blessed with the ability to learn anything and can do any job anyone else with that damn paper can do if given the chance? Why don't people understand that just because I didn't have that kind of money, that kind of interest in college, nor that ability to go to school when I've been supporting myself for about a decade now, doesn't mean I'm less then you? Or less then anyone? When did it become ok to judge a person because you were able to do it, came from a rich family, didn't have to hold down a job til you were 23? I'm almost 25, but that's twenty-five hard years. Years where I've been self-sufficent; years where I've made it because I had to; year where I accomplished more things then anyone thought possible despite hardships, sickness, and loss. I'm not some flighty child who is just looking for party money, I'm trying to build my LIFE here people. Your little answer answer phones, file, must be computer literate for $8 doesn't do me any good. (yeah, right now, in the meantime as a temp job, I'd do it, but I've not even gotten any of those because I'm "overqualified"). I'm looking for something that I can really do, shine in, and excel in. Why is that such a hard thing to accept? Someone being dynamic in their knowledge, skills, and ability to succeed? Damn damn damn damn damn!!
I am so frustrated right now. I couldn't sleep for frustrations, anger, and hurt thoughts in my head all night. Or I woke up from nightmare, bad dreams, and other painful visions. I'm mad at my old company, mad at my old boss, mad at this situation I've been put in. I'm mad at me and mad at life. I'm just so sick of having these situations where things just fall apart - especially when I really truly feel I'm doing the right thing. I'm sick of situations that are unfair to me working out all peachy keen for everyone else and leaving me even more at loss.
I'm sick of not knowing, not being able to plan, not having a solidity in my life. I'm sick of losing everything. Of being a loser. I'm sick of never knowing at all what's around the corner and never having the resources to deal with it even if I did. I'm sick of denying myself so very much in life because I simply can not afford it. I'm sick of pushing myself to the brink of breaking and not having anything left to show for it. I'm sick of counting pennies, sacrficing meals, clothes, or other needed things just to pay some bill like the power. I'm sick of feeling guilty if I need to buy shampoo or gods forbid I'd like to buy some lipstick or nailpolish (what was I thinking??). I'm just sick of being tired and tired of being sick. And I'm sick of being here, again, over and over, waiting for something better that just never fucking comes.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 4/25/2002 02:08:30 PM ~
~
