It's one of those days where I just don't know where I am. I mean, physically, I'm sitting in my cubical at work (back after two days of extreme, miserable sickness, calling in sick both Monday & Tuesday, and a doctor's appointment yesterday), but mentally, spiritually…? I have no clue where I am. Things are just weird…
I was driving in this morning and…*jolt* and realize I didn't remember the last 5 or so minutes of my life. I was on the Causeway and it occurred to me that I literally did not remember crossing the little rise in the center. I looked around, confused, trying to remember where I was going, what was going on, and what happened. I noticed I was still in my lane, still driving in the right direction of traffic, and at the right speed, and it slowly came to me that I was on the Causeway, heading to work. I really had no idea what was going on though for a few minutes. It was creepy. I image someone with amnesia would experience. A complete sense of being lost in a world that's so annoying familiar. Even now, I can't remember crossing the rise…it's like it never happened. This scared me. I've never felt that completely lost before. And what scared me more is the fact that I didn't know it was happening, it took me a good solid couple of minutes to figure out what was going on. All the while doing 70mph on a narrow bridge. Not the safest of events…what if it happens again, but I don't recover in time? What if the car in front of me comes to an abrupt stop? What if I slipped out of my lane and hit a rail or another car?
So, I'm here and everyone's looking at me like I don't belong. And the truth of the matter is, I don't. And I wonder if today will be the day, or they'll let things go a little longer. They look at me like they know my days are numbered. They look at me like I'm already gone and they're just mourning a shade. It's so weird. I feel like I should just save them the time and hassle and leave. But of course, I can't. I need the money, I need the insurance, I can't support myself if I don't work…you know it's not paranoia when they really are scheming behind your back.
I got a new version of my resume formatted and passed it on to my Recruiter. She's actively looking again for me. I can only hope she finds something. My hope is that even if I can't get insurance right away-and I doubt I can-perhaps being near my home so that I am not away 11+ hours and driving for two hours will allow me enough rest to make it another 90 days…perhaps if I'm not waking up at 6am, I'll be able to make it through the day…right now, I'm not making it and it's killing me…I keep getting sicker and just feeling worse…when I can't wake up with less then 12 hours sleep on the weekends, it's a good bet there's a problem.
ugh...reality calls...wish I could use the answering machine for this one...
-m
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 2/14/2001 10:53:21 PM ~
~
