Columbia breaks apart during re-entry over Texas. All hands presumed lost.

I really don't have anything to say right now. There's really nothing I can say. It's just so sad. I remember watching Challenger and seeing it blow up - the terror I felt. I can't remember how many years after they started flying again that I would hold my breath and cringe; horrified I'd see that again. But, like all things, it slowly faded to the past and life went on - as did the launches. I've even gone out to Cocoa Beach to watch a shuttle night launch. Then something like this happens and you're again reminded how fragile we are and how dangerous our attempts to reach out into space can really be.

My deepest sympathies to the friends and family of the crew.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 2/1/2003 01:02:18 PM ~ ~

DAMMIT!

This is like the fourth this has happened. We get all ready to go - only something doesn't work and it gets pushed back. Ugh. I've been trying to upgrade in one form or another for months. My system's been all fucked up and needing a clean slate but I've lacked the way to back everything up, so we got a second harddrive. Then we realized it was the same size as the one I'm already using (both 19gigs), so why not just use the secondary one as the new primary so I can just keep all my exisiting data without having to back up? Great, except first we didn't install it, then we did, but I didn't have enough slots on my motherboard for it, so we had to unhook my cd drive (and just have my cd burner instead of both), and then we were missing some software, then we forgot to get the cd key and then, tonight, we thought we had it all and....the damned secondary harddrive has bad sectors and will not even format!

*arg!*

So...... still no upgrade. *sighs* Is it too much to ask for less PC drama in my life? *lol* Damned things are worse then cars!

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 1/29/2003 10:52:49 PM ~ ~

Wish me luck. We're finally tonight going to get my pc upgraded to WinXP - making the new harddrive my primary and putting the one with all my wonderful things on it already as the secondary.

*crosses fingers*

Here goes nothing...

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 1/29/2003 07:23:00 PM ~ ~

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts. I've just been kinda quite and reflective the last couple days when it comes to a journal entry coupled with being really busy in real life with little time to get an entry in anyway. As today is my Love's mother's birthday, I'm just waiting for him to come home so we can run over to their place for dinner. So, this is just a kinda check-in of sorts. I haven't really had a lot that I felt like saying - especially after such a serious post as the previous one - but I'm still around. Perhaps I'll try to make a post in the next day or so and catch up what I've been up to in the mundane aspects anyway.

Thanks again for those who contacted me in assorted ways. It means a lot. I really want to try to move forward and stop hiding in the shadows of my inner demons. It's nice to know there are those who are my friends, holding up flashlights for me to help find my way. :)

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 1/28/2003 05:32:45 PM ~ ~

....the car...
Spent hours today at the AutoZone trying to get some information so we could figure out what was wrong with the car. The "Check Engine" light's been on since May and we of course had the horrid noise issue and didn't know what to do about either. They do free diagnostic testing (just hooking the car up to the machine that spits out the code costs $70 at the dealership) and we found out it's because our ERG Valve is bad. Whatever the hell that means. The guy was really nice and tried to explain it - I guess it has something to do with our emissions and gas flow (which might screw with fuel efficency, but hell, it's been that way since May, so...eh) - and he looked up the part info for us and it's like a $30 part (no idea about labor costs) and he said it should be taken care of sooner then later, but...one thing at a time. In addition, they ran a free alternator and battery test for us since the noise seemed to come from the alternator. (another good thing to get for free since shit like that costs like $19.99 just to hook up normally). Turns out that our battery was on it's last legs (so we bought a new one - $59.99) and although our alternator itself is doing just fine and spitting out enough juice the way it should, one of the bearings inside is fucked. The alternator on the 95 Ford Mustang runs about $179.99 and estimates for labor come in around $64.99. The AutoZone guy replaced the battery for us and lubed up the alternator to help alievate some of that horrid, horrid noise. He said we've got a month or so before we'll NEED to fix it, but in the meantime, no long drives. So, we ended up spending about $65 total today (plus another like $6 in tip we had cash on us for the guy who helped us our for the two hours we were at the store) and we're looking at another $200-300 soon for the alternator and at least another $30 (plus who knows how much labor) for the ERG valve.

Eh, could have been much worse. Now we can still pay the bills and we'll figure out what the hell to do about the alternator another day. Push it off like we always do. Worry about it some other time, like when it blows up on us. *shakes head*

...stuff....
Jef left his GameCube over here yesterday, so played a little bit of Animal Crossing when we got home and we watched "The Bourne Identity" on dvd. (we had seen it in the theaters, but Rand bought it on dvd so we watched it). I liked it. Even the second time. And the sound was really good because it was in DTS. (always nice).


...On a personal note....
I was talking to Rand's mom the other day after I showed her some of the ACT! things I was teaching her. We ended up having a pretty long, and in-depth conversation. She's really a great woman and she really cares about my Love and I and thinks of us as family. Anyway, we were talking about some pretty heavy things regarding my past (read: childhood) and I think I came to a realization. Not that it solves anything by realizing it (and, hell, it may already be obvious to everyone else, but for me, I said it and I think it's true), but, knowledge and understanding something are always the first steps to overcoming and solving things. This is the general realization I had: I think it's just easier for me to fail. I think that I'm so used to so much shit happening in my life, that instead of putting in effor to things and really trying; making goals and pushing myself, I just don't bother because I honestly believe it will all turn out to be shit in the end anyway....so why bother trying? I am conditioned to fail. I really and truly don't ever try anymore in anything or any aspect of my life because I've been trained from years of experience that bad things always happen to me and so any effort is wasted effort. Seems such a stupid thing to be proud to realize, but I think it's really true. I really do, deep down, just believe it's easier to fail. And even easier to fail without trying in the first place. I'm not sure I can overcome this mentality - at all, let alone in any time frame - but she said perhaps I should pick one thing in life and try to give that my full focus and try to follow through. And, to make it something that's not painful for me, or anything that's too already hard. Pick a goal that means something to me and work on it - be it with a friend to help, or in a group, or whatever it takes - but start with those "baby steps" and just do it. I'm thinking perhaps I might try something bold like looking into taking a college class. Even if it's just one and even if it doesn't count for anything more then a class, just to do it. Because a big thing I really want to do, but just feel I can't, is get certified and trained to do web design and such. It's something I like, so why not explore it further? But my fear holds me back so much and the situation is so daunting to me that I can't even begin. Maybe though, I can find out about just taking one class. Just one. Just something to get my "feet wet" and see how it goes. That way, there is no failure to fear. It's just a class so what's the harm in doing it just because?

*breaths*

I don't know, I think after talking to her that maybe she's right about a lot of things. Maybe I'm not dealing with my inner demons of my past the way I should and maybe despite telling myself that I've put it behind me, I'm really just drowning in it all. Maybe I'm just blinding myself from the potential and the possibility out there because I'm still that fucked up little kid in that fucked up little life. It's a hard thing to admit or think or even consider to be true. But the hell I lived through I think I'm still carrying around with me in so many ways I never wanted to believe I was before. And I thought that just because I hadn't spoken to Charles in 12 years that somehow, he was out of my head forever. But he's not. The things he did are still not only in there, but I'm letting them define me. I'm letting him win and I'm letting him hold on to parts of me that only I have a right to. I've heard people say these things before, but it's different when it's someone you think doesn't see or know these parts of you. The kind of person who can see not only the person you try to project (and for whom she does not think is just a lie; she actually has faith in me enough to think I have potential in me that exceeds that which I try to take on as my outward personna) but can see that there really is something broken and wrong inside. Having friends or family tell you the same kind of thing is harder to take and harder to accept because you expect that they know all the dark little places in your mind. (or at least know they're there) Someone else though, seeing what you could be - everything that's possible within you - but also seeing how much you hurt and how much you're damaged makes you stop and listen a little more. I've just had these kind of thoughts in my head for a couple days now and though I've not talked to anyone else around me about them and though I broke down crying last night over my frustration with life again (like I do far too often), it's still tickling the back of my head and I wonder what next? Where is the next step and how do I take this thought that I crave failing because it's just the only thing I know, to changing my mindset to make myself see that it's not only ok to suceed, but that's it's so much better then failing?

I don't know, but I know I had to get these thoughts out and I've been typing through a haze of tears and so however shitty my typing is, sorry, but I'm not going to go back and edit, because I might lose my nerve and not post it. I might try to fail in even expressing myself and lock it back up in a box somewhere in my head.

I think I'm going to log off for now and call this post done for the time being.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 1/26/2003 03:22:52 AM ~ ~