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Saturday, September 07, 2002

it's funny how life turns out...the odds of faith in the face of doubt... ("Camera One" by Josh Joplin Group)

Finally had at least ONE good thing happen. Finally got my unemployment check. That I've been waiting for since April 28th. I won my Appeal. Didn't want to mention it before since I didn't want to tip off my old asshole boss Jim. It went like this...I filed. He lied and said I was dismissed for unsatisfactory work performance. Bullshit. I left because I was forced to after reporting sexual harrassment (and being told I could either ignore it and go back to my desk or leave). So I was denied my unemployment because I was found to have left for unacceptable reasons. I appealed. A letter went to both of us informing us of a hearing. The thing was HIS letter went to Texas because like two years ago that's where he lived and somehow, he never updated the company's legal address. So the hearing came (conducted via telephone) and only I showed up. He never called in. I think he never received the letter. That was his OWN damn fault for not updating his address.

So. I won the appeal. It was found he was neglegent in providing a suitable work environment and that I had the right to leave under those circumstances and qualify for unemployment compensation. But....there was a 20 day period in which he could appeal the appealed decision. So I didn't say anything. The ass used to spy on me in my journal after I left so I did not want to do anything to tip him off so I didn't mention anything about it.

Well, Labor Day was the 20th day and it's come and gone and he missed his chance to appeal. Weeee! So I went and got my mail today and my check was in there! YEAH!! This is great because we're utterly broke after paying rent and such and neither one of us will get paid for like two more weeks and we didn't know what to do about money.

Thank goodness at least something went my way. I finally won in something.

Thursday, September 05, 2002

Everyone keeps telling me not to get myself so upset over Kush-ka's health and that I should just "enjoy the time I have left with him" but how the fuck am I supposed to do that when everytime I see him, I realize that these are the last times I'll see him do _____. That, one day very soon - and far sooner then he should because he's in such great health besides the tumors - he'll be dead. I will have to kill him. I'll have to take him in, chose to do it and know I'll never have him back. I look at him and I worry about all the things that are so "him" that I'll forget over the years...from the way his fur feels, to the sound of his cute little voice, to the way he just looks right at you, eyes-to-eyes and you swear he knows what you're thinking. He has such a soul and damn anyone who thinks otherwise. He is my family and I just can't bear to see him all seemingly normal, knowing he's a timebomb that's eating him from the inside out. Thinking he probably won't live 'til Christmas, and he won't see his next birthday in March, and how there's not enough time...there's just not enough time...he won't be there when I'm upset anymore - he always finds me when I'm upset and sits with me, he just knows. I keep taking pictures trying to capture peices of him and his life so I remember, but the photos are not him - you can't catch that spark that makes Kush Kush on film or on the pc.

He's so cute. Curled up right now behind me on the bed. He's always in the room with me - if I move to the living room, he will too. If I go to the spare bedroom where my Love's pc is, he follows. He's my little grey shadow and I love him so much. I just don't want to lose him. It's not fair. He's such a good cat and such a kind soul and this is not the way it's supposed to be. I always KNEW when I was a girl and I first got him, I'd have Kush in my life 'til I was 30. He'd be 17 then. I just knew it. And now, here I am, five years early, and he's being destroyed by something he shouldn't even have; something so rare it's sickening. In perfect health, ready to go until 17, except for the tumors which are killing him. It's not supposed to be this way, he's not supposed to die like this. And I can't stop thinking about it. And all I want to do is be with him every moment and hold him, smell him, pet him, feel him...hear him purr, watch him do his "footsie" where he kneeds the pillows in his contentment. It's not supposed to end like this and I just can't stand feeling so helpless.

So I was going stir crazy not being able to write an entry and here, suddenly I can again (sorta) and I find myself not wanting to get into any of it. It's been a terrible week. I'll do a skim-by and touch on the week and if I have the energy, I'll add the details tomorrow or something.

Monday - Went to Rands. Had a BBQ after we finally finished the move. Pretty good day.

Tuesday - Was starting new job at 8am. Company is awesome and boss is cool and working 20/hours a week is great because it forces me to be serious about going to school (and I can take evening classes for just the cost of books there), just really, really disappointed in the salary front (it's part time, 4 hours a day, $8/hour (without any benefits like health insurance, sick days/holidays, etc.). This means I'd be making less then my Unemployment claim of $167/week and it's 20 miles one way away - which translates into over an hour commute drive) Ugh. Was hoping for at LEAST $10/hour since I normally make no less then $12-13/hour and so $10 was like bare minimum). Went in though and tried not to think about the fact it costs more to get there in gas and more time in commute (over an hour one way) then I'm there for the day.

After work that day I met up with my mom and went to vet. Kush-ka is dying from cancer. His tumors are back and it's been only four months since his last surgery. The vet did not recommend a third one because he said they'd have to take too much away just to try to buy a few more months. This is apparently extremely rare and Kush is only the fourth such cat he's seen in twenty-five years as a vet with this cancer. He wouldn't give me a time frame since it's always different, but it boils down to somewhere between 1-4 months or so before I'll have to put him to sleep (at that point, he'll be in pain from the tumors and will start starving to death). I fucking sobbed for hours and hours and I still can't stop. My cat's going to die. And soon. Despite being perfectly healthy except for these freak tumors. He's dying of cancer and there's nothing I can do about it.

Wednesday - After a night without any sleep and raw eyes from sobbing, I woke up and immediately puked. I had to call in on my second day because I was just so sick. Couldn't keep anything down.

Thursday - Was supposed to not only work today, but also work a couple extra hours to help make up for being sick. One of the things I have to do is on my way in, stop at the bagel store and get bagels for the students in the classes and I have to be there at 8am on the dot. Monday traffic was so bad I got there like 8:15am and today it was so bad (and the bagel store was so stupid) I got there at 8:20am. I put the bagels down and immediately had to run to the restroom to puke. Always lovely throwing up in a public bathroom (ugh). I've been dealing with my stomach being just miserable for two days now (both ends sorta deal not that you needed to know, but *shrugs*) and I knew once I puked again at work, I wasn't done being sick. So, I missed my third day at work too. I feel like a real fucking winner.

So, tomorrow, I need to get up at 6am, leave the house by 6:40am, drive 20 minutes in the wrong direction to get my Love into work, then turn around and head to the bagel place, and then 20 miles into my work so I can be there at 8am. There's something wrong with this being a two hour process for a 4 hour shift. *sighs* My Love's car needs it's tags and a battery and tire before we can even use it (it's been parked for several months now but wasn't a big deal since I wasn't working). Now it is.

And then the phone guy comes today to hook up the phone and turns out I CAN get DSL here - but...just not me. It's in the complex, but since they ran out of copper lines they've got me on some shared digital line or something that's only good for voice and is giving me a SHITTY dial up connection (worse the before even, like a max of 24.0 - at least before sometimes I was getting 28.8) and crappy voice service I can't have it. Well, I bitched to the repair department because this line isn't worth crap and not only can I not talk on it, but I can't use it for dial-up and what I really want is fucking broadband. ARG.

My aunt is in the hospital with a spot on her lung they believe is lung cancer. My Nanny's (mom's mom) sister is in the hospital after a heart attack and bypass and all sorts of nasty stuff they don't expect her to recover from. My Love's sister-in-law has lung cancer. My Nanny is so upset over her daughter (it's my mom's oldest sister) being so ill (in ICU for like two weeks now) she's getting sick. My mom's been really ill lately (she has good days and bad days and lately, they've been all bad again). My Love has a cold and I've been hit with a stomach flu where everything I eat doesn't stick around long enough to keep me hydrated or fed (I'm so thirsty and hungry but I keep losing everything I eat). And let's not forget that my cat - who's like my best friend in the world, and who's been there with me since I was 13, and who's offered me so much comfort and solace in my life and who is more family to me then many of my blood relatives - is terminal with cancer also and I've got most likely weeks left with him before I'll have to kill him to stop his pain.

I feel like everything is just crashing down on me. I try and try and it seems that things are just falling apart all the faster. I can't stop just sobbing...and I can't help thinking terrible things and outcomes for the events already so tragic in my life. I don't know what to do anymore, not about anything. I think I finally have a plan or an idea, or a goal, and then all these things come and take it away from me. I'm having nightmares again for the first time in like 15 years. Even my dreams hate me.

It's like all I want to do, or all I can do is cry. And I just keep crying and crying and there's no end.

I can't write anymore. I just want to cry and if I start, I won't stop.

Monday, September 02, 2002

Ugh. It's finally over!! Finished moving and cleaning everything this afternoon like 2pm.

That had to be one of the hardest moves ever. Hot, miserable, moving from one 2nd floor apartment to another. Can you say, Hell? I knew you could. I definately do not have a dial tone (and therefore no internet) until at LEAST Thursday when my scheduled appointment for them to come out is (I'm over at Rand's house right now just firing off this entry before we hit his pool and grill up some BBQ Chicken and some Steaks).

Just checking in while I can. Start work tomorrow (8am-12pm), then I have an appointment for Kush-ka at the vet because his lump is back and I think this is probably it. (No breaking down now, so no details now)

Anyway, that's it. I'm alive (barely), sore, tired and beat, but we're in!

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